i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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