I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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