After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
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Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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