When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
