I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
