my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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