An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
