why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
