It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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