WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
