Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
