Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think my vagina is haunted
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
