Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
