Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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