i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
last night I used snow as a chaser
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
