i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
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fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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