i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
