I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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