Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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