haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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