When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
