Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
our cab driver is having phone sex.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
