i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
