Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
