It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
