textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
