i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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