It's official drugs can't kill me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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