break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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