this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
