So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
