Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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