i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
