how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
