I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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