That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
