It's Friday. Sex?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
