saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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