the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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