You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
