i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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