bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
