Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
