On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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