Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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