I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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