rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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