If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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