i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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