Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
