HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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