I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
