woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
