we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
is wine microwaveable?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
