you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
