i don't like sucking hair
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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