i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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