I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
so much tequila, so little girl.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
