The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
