What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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