Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
