Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
